by Erika Solberg
We’re 11 days into the exhibition of physical grace and prowess that’s captivating the globe. Yes, folks, we’re talking about the VAMPY World Bowl, where Danilo “The Cereal Kid” Mendoza attempts to beat the all-time Cinnamon Toast Crunch record of 100 bowls set by VAMPY alum Stuart “Crunch” Kernohan in 2018.
The Kid’s choice to be the only person to enter this year’s competition has made him the frontrunner — that’s the kind of game-smarts you just can’t teach. We caught the fan-favorite at lunch today when he was at work on bowls 59 and 60. His spoon-arm scooping and lifting with ease, Mendoza confirmed rumors about his milk of choice: “Two-percent.”
The cinnamon-scented air bore a whiff of controversy, however, as Crunch Kernohan himself was in the FreshFood arena to observe The Kid’s progress. Said the reigning champion, “I’m a little disappointed at the bowl size. Last year, the bowls were about twice as big.” Equipment supplier FreshFoods was not available for comment, and there is no word yet on whether or not Kernohan intends to file a grievance with the league, or even where he would send such a grievance as the league does not seem to be an actual thing.
Still, Kernohan says the Cereal Kid is “on track” going into the D.C Trip Break, so let’s run through his stats. Sixty bowls means Mendoza has consumed
180 grams total fat
30 grams saturated fat
60 grams polyunsaturated fat
80 grams monosaturated fat
10.8 grams sodium
3.3 grams potassium
1500 grams carbohydrates
120 grams dietary fiber
360 grams sugars
.84 grams other carbohydrates
600% of the RDA for vitamins A, C, and D and calcium
1500% of the RDA for iron, thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, vitamins B6 and B12, folic acid, and zinc
3600% of the RDA for phosphorus
240% of the RD for magnesium
120% of the RDA for copper
Given these percentages, Coach Hollis Maxon is upbeat. Smiling broadly while wearing a pinstripe shirt, he asserted before a nonexistent phalanx of microphones, reporters, and flashbulbs, “My player’s been doing great. There’ve been a lot of improvements this season — he’s already where was when he finished last year, so he’s made a lot of big steps, a lot of big improvements. We had some rigorous training coming into the series, and we made sure his stomach size was an appropriate volume to handle that many bowls of cereal. I’m really looking forward to the playoffs and then the finals.”
With a wave, Coach Maxon walked off to the locker room to bus his tray while the ever-modest Cereal Kid took another mouthful of milky, toasty goodness. Only 41 bowls to go.